Animals

Two-headed turtle; heads have not yet squabbled

Monkeys with typewriters don't write Shakespeare
(They apparently press the 'S' key and urinate.)

Turning animals into fuel oil

Let the monkey choose a billionaire -- new show on WB [carolyn]

Life imitates the Sopranos as carp speaks in Hebrew, then sold for dinner

Birds commit grand larceny, stealing $4000 in quarters

Crab gets sucked into 2700psi 3mm pipe

Chimp "talks", uttering distinctive sounds for "banana", "grapes", "juice", and "yes"

Cat door image recognition prohibits kitty from carrying in mice [nd]

Vat-grown undead fish meat goes well with olive oil/lemon/garlic/pepper [ro]

Supercolony of billions of ants summer on Italian Riviera

New order of insects found: mantophasmatodea. Like crickets, but can't jump, and they eat meat with their three teeth. "Every textbook discussing the orders of insects will now need to be rewritten...[n]o new order of insects has been identified since 1915."